today is brown …

… and it smells. A doctor told me that, back in 1974, when I worked at Washington Regional Medical Center in Fayetteville, Arkansas. The origin of the sentence isn’t important at all, the fact that I remember it, from 1974, seems significant. Dr. Moore. He wrote a really nice recommendation letter for me when Bimbo and I left WRMC for Flagstaff, AZ and Northern Arizona University a few months later.

We lived in Flagstaff for a very short time, less than a year. We weren’t as tough as we thought we were but the reality was, we were trying to live out some hippie fantasy life and neither one of us was cut out for it. Sylvia kept tight reins over the money situation so we were always having problems. My job as EKG technician didn’t pay much and my hours were awful. The working conditions were deplorable but I was young and didn’t know how to adapt, how to make everything ok. There was a philandering doctor there  who spoke to me too often and my boss, who was having an affair with him (he was married, wife back in India, not with him) my boss was jealous of me and I was so young and so naive, I didn’t understand. I just thought he was chatty and liked to have lunch with me, little did I know how wrong this was. Doctors don’t eat meals in the hospital cafeteria with EKG technicians, at least not usually… Geesh, I was stupid.

I’ve had several occasions where I was totally blameless, my only crime being my youth. That was one of them. It’s so weird to me how often men misread me. I never considered having an affair and I naively believed that if that was how I felt, then everyone would automatically know that and not be superstitious of me. ANYWAY, I am the most loyal moral person I know — it never occurred to me to have an affair. So naive.

We were escaping my brother’s death, suicide. I suppose I left AR on purpose, to get away from everything that reminded me of John but I didn’t admit it.

Well, today Neighbor Fred is on his way over to deliver radishes and squash. He wanted to gift me with collards but I told him I didn’t do collards. He seemed quite surprised. The food comes from the weekly box Dorcas gets and Dorcas is out of town. So Gene spread the bounty, Jean being Dorcas’s ex-husband. It gets complicated in a small town with neighborhoods like ours. Jean is the Snake Man, called upon for critter removals of all sorts. Not real sure about his relationship with Dorcas but it seems amicable.

Refusing collards. Hardly the Southern thing to do.

Today’s not really so bad. It’s just gray outside and inside seems gloomy because Rob’s having a “moment” that’s not especially cheerful. I should get upbeat, realizing it’s grocery day and pharmacy day — it implies propriety and purpose. Places to go, people to see and all that.

My stomach is working rather well lately. Not filled with the sharp piercing pain I used to have from my throat down to my stomach. It curious, how much pain I used to be in, curious to have it lifted because I took action, sought out medical assistance — when I don’t, as a habit of lately, do that. I rarely see a physician. Just often enough to keep my prescriptions current. That could be every six months but for the Tramadol, which now requires every 4 months because of its place on the drug schedule. Been taking Protonix and it worked like a charm. Had a endoscopy and they found damage, now it’s fixed.

Protonix sounds like a 90’s band. I can even “see” them …

Today is no longer brown, nor does it smell. Rob was approved for social security disability today. It took 3.5 years to get it, but it’s finally done. Fully Favorable — that’s what the judge said. Shit. I got so excited I ordered a pizza and a pasta bowl and went to get it. Now I’m waiting for C4 to arrive, so she can read the letter and rejoice along with us. It’s been years, quite frankly, since I’ve had pizza …

Send copy to attorney, post haste, and she agreed that the Social Security determination could affect the VA appeal — for the better! If the VA goes through, we have a new lifestyle. With the Social Security going through, we are able to live as we are used to living… we can pay our way, occasionally eat out at Dominoes, buy underwear when we need it, not much more than that. We will continue to pay our mortgage, maybe be able to buy insurance on house, but I doubt it.

I need to contact Geico and get a quote on household insurance, if they do it. We have our auto with them and everyone says they suck if you have a wreck but I haven’t had one, so I don’t know. I pay around $600 for liability for the car, we can’t get comprehensive because it’s so old, 11 years. It’s a solid Volvo, probably keep running another 11 years. It has less than 130K miles on it. We’ll get new brakes now that we’re going to have some money coming in. That’s a good thing

ok, so it’s not brown and it doesn’t smell. No one’s reading this so it doesn’t matter but it makes me feel better to type what’s on my mind and my friends certainly don’t want to hear all this.

When C4 gets here, I’ll have a celebratory cigarette. I can’t wait, I want one so bad. It’s awful, wanting cigarettes and not smoking. I wonder what we’ll need with the social security lump sum distribution. Fix the toilet downstairs, get the brakes worked on, order a new back light for the Volvo and have Andy install it. One way or another. Pugh’s for the brakes, I think they do it and then the Volvo dealer for the car, see what we need to do to keep it running … I think it’s worth it. Solid car, less than 140K, 130K miles on it so it’s not really worn out at all for 11 years.

Wow, I’m excited. I can’t seem to stop typing about our good fortune. It changes the whole world when you know you’ll have money to live off of. It changes everything. I can hear Rob in the other room laughing … he’s watching Bobby Lee videos from Mad TV days. Good for him. He’s playing with the dogs and just feeling good. What a change in his demeanor. After C4 comes to see us, we’ll go for a walk, but wait… I need to go to grocery store and Medical Park pharmacy. Will do that instead.

I emailed the social security letter to the head attorney in the law firm we employ. She responded right away with a positive note, like, can’t guarantee the VA will use this filing but they sure do pay attention to such filings — message. If the VA goes through, that’s the real money. The social security money is living money. The VA is beyond, the moon and beyond. And they do owe him. Wow, I’m really just rambling around now. Put CBD oil on my neck, got a jar of it thanks to C4.

I ordered 3 long sleeve t-shirts for myself, two sweater vests, and a hoodie and for Rob new underwear and a pair of pants, the Wranglers I buy him at Walmart, got them on Amazon, same price, delivered, as in, I don’t have to go into that horrid store. I hate Walmart. It’s too loud and bright and filled with crap I don’t need. Fred came by today with radishes and such but the point I wanted to make was that he got lidocaine patches at Dollar General! Last place I would have looked for them. Said they were under $2 each. I should try them sometime on my lower back, it’s been giving me fits lately.

I wish C4 would get here so I could go to pharmacy and Food Lion. I am hyper from the news, the disability news and the trip to the store would help negate some of this extra energy. It’s good energy, it’s just a lot of it.


Jane’s watching Live PD all afternoon, she says it’s addicting.

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About Me

An English diarist and naval administrator. I served as administrator of the Royal Navy and Member of Parliament. I had no maritime experience, but I rose to be the Chief Secretary to the Admiralty under both King Charles II and King James II through patronage, diligence, and my talent for administration. Also archivist and avid fan of The Dead Mule School of Southern Literature.


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