Nervous much?

So we wait for Tuesday’s Social Security Disability hearing, with the judge from Raleigh coming in on video and the attorney from Orlando coming in on the plane. It’s nervous time here. Even my horoscope registers that I’ll be nervous today. Wow. The astral plane knows my anxiety?

Today is Oliver’s 14th birthday. The family is coming here to celebrate in about 2 and a half hours. I’ve cleaned up the kitchen a bit and Rob’s promised to clear off the coffee table. It currently holds his weights but he’s not working out any more. He’s exchanged that restlessness for picking on his cuticles. One OCD behavior replaces another. I notice he’s not ticking as much since he started picking on his cuticles. I wonder if it is a neuron pathway thing. I don’t say much to him about it. Figure he doesn’t need his behaviors pointed out to him.

Every conversation returns to the VA or disability … every sentence points to our eventual reality. I don’t allow myself to think negatively about it, as Melanie says, Only Positive Thoughts. We make our reality. We can make it good or we can make it negative. I choose the good pathway and don’t have any alternative plans if things are sorry. I just don’t acknowledge that they can be.

Since this blog contains my inner-most feelings, it seems strange. What’s strange? Talking to the world while talking to no one. If anyone ever finds their way to this blog, read it and know I am ok. The internet is acting up today, messages aren’t going through to Jane… then suddenly one will. I’ve told her about it. She and Andy came by today to bring Oliver’s presents so it would be easier to just arrive with food in a while. The big surprise should be here by 4:30 and it’s Anthony. C4 is coming at 4 but Anthony’s not due in Raleigh until 2, so he might be here around 5 or so. We’ll see how long we can keep everyone here, maybe just have Ollie stick around for some made-up reason if Anthony doesn’t show up in time.

Anthony is his best friend, has been living in OK and is returning to live with his Dad and C4 today and going to school here. School starts tomorrow, so he’ll have zero time to get ready for it. I betcha it’s a hassle … Dave tried to get him enrolled but the high school here is so slack, I doubt they’ve done anything about it. The high school in Enid OK is apparently a really good one but it has no ROTC and that’s what Anthony wants. He’s been talking to Ollie about his mom, so there are few secrets around here. She’s quite the piece of work, or should I say “trash”?

She was arrested for making a false “rape” charge against her ex last fourth of July. Her mugshot was on the front page of the Enid paper. It’s a good thing to get Anthony out of there, I can’t imagine going to school with that hanging over your head would be very pleasant. No one knows him here… it’s all ok … fresh start and all that. It’s a real tribute to Dave’s parenting that Anthony hasn’t gotten in trouble with the police. Most other kids would have acted out horribly. I hope he hasn’t saved up his bad for being here, but he’s a good kid, doubt that’s going to happen.

Jane just messaged me about her bringing paper plates, cups and iced tea. Yay. It’s all going to be fine, I’m just wiling away my time, typing useless junk in this blog. We’ve been asked to keep Maggie and Linus for 4 days in 2 weeks. The O’s are going to Ocracoke, they’ve rented a house, are taking the big dogs and we are tasked with the little dogs and the cats. It’ll be easier if they stay in the house over there, even though the O’s asked if we wanted them to come here. I told them we’d try keeping them at home, they’ll be lonely but they’ll know where they are. Moving those old dogs to a new house will probably really upset them, plus I don’t want them poohing in my house. I’d rather clean up theirs.

It’s a big inconvenience to do it, but how to say no? You just can’t. We are helpless against the tide of Ocracoke. Vacation land. God forbid they ask us to go there, I just realized that. We’re tasked with looking after their house and animals while they invite the whole world out there. Jennifer, neighbors, babies, Norm … everyone but us. How odd, I think. They didn’t even say we should drive out there. Selfish much? It does hurt my feelings, but it doesn’t surprise me. I’ll talk to C4 about it and we’ll trash the O’s and I’ll feel better in my odd way. I get over things quickly. I don’t allow the moods and whims of others to set my mood. Unless it’s Rob, if he’s out of sorts, schizo-affectively, I get ramped up. Of course I do. Much like when Mom used to lose it, as she got 90, she did suffer from depression — now I think she was dehydrated and underfed but I didn’t know it at the time because she insisted on being in charge of her own cooking etc. I fed her every evening.

Speaking of that, I’ve got to get into cooking again. I think Rob’s not caring about what he eats plays havoc on my motivation. I know how to cook, I just don’t do it. We have lots of pre-fab food but it’s frozen veggies — some frozen chicken breasts — not really that bad and no sodium in the frozen veggies and rice mixes, very little anyway. We don’t eat beef any more, just the occasional hamburger for burritos and spaghetti sauce. We splurged and bought Dominos yesterday. Interestingly enough, they undercharged us by $6 or more. Only $24 to have 2 pizzas, garlic bites and cinnamon nugget things plus a liter of Coke — delivered. Apparently I got some kind of coupon. Mark was here and enjoyed a lot of the food, especially the cinnamon things. I finished them off last night while watching TV. Speaking of a void — TV on Saturday night is a vast wasteland.

I was hoping for some mysteries on PBS but Doc Martin, et al, were replaced by fund raiser music videos and conversation. I hate watching music on tv, can’t explain it, I used to enjoy shows like Austin City Limits but not any more.

P is home with her family. That is one messed up bunch. I feel sorry for her sometimes but you get what you get. She tries to care for them but her 80 years are starting to show on her. Grandkids, great-grandkids … and M is home from prison, living next door to family and he wasn’t supposed to return at all. It’s a recipe for disaster and drugs … he’s addicted to ?? and finds it however he can. He’s 34 and has no future. He’ll end up in jail again if he keeps up his old habits. Sad.

A had to move her office to Wake Forest. It was a revenge move made by angry bosses who can’t stand her. She’s actively seeking other employment but at 50, sometimes that’s hard to do, I think she’s stuck in her current job. I just hope she gets her 20 years in with the state and can retire early. She and M really want me to come up for a visit, they’ve fixed up the guest room, they say just for me. I’ll go up there and spend the night soon. Gotta’ make sure the car is ok and make sure Rob is ok. I can do it, but it terrifies me to think about leaving the house, even going to the grocery store is weird. This is just the waiting and once the waiting is over, I think I’ll get my confidence back. Yup, I know I will. This knot in my stomach will go away and be replaced by a joyous demeanor.

Smoke a cig with Os and we talked about all the garbage E left in their attic … they’ve cleaned it out, two trailer loads and they still have more to go… O’s old mattress and a chest of drawers. I’m glad it’s all finally cleared out of their attic. I can’t imagine what a mess it was, kudos to the Os for getting it done. I imagine Oboy had a lot to do with moving it, although Little E is a good worker and stronger than he looks.

“For the love of God, get me out of this fern.” E classic line. I told A and he really laughed at that one. So dramatic.

Time to move on, this is getting to 1500 words so anyone who’s hung in there this long gets a prize. Here! Prize! Words! only 6 more to 1500.

There done. I’ve written enough.

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About Me

An English diarist and naval administrator. I served as administrator of the Royal Navy and Member of Parliament. I had no maritime experience, but I rose to be the Chief Secretary to the Admiralty under both King Charles II and King James II through patronage, diligence, and my talent for administration. Also archivist and avid fan of The Dead Mule School of Southern Literature.


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