The Haunting

Sometimes what I have to tell  you is so complicated that therein lies the difficulty in the telling. Where to start, what details to tell, where to end the tale?


Such is the story of the Wilmington  haunted house. It belongs to a friend who recently began to occupy the dwelling. The first night, drawers opened in empty rooms, lost objects appeared in plain sight on the couch and other anomalies occurred. Of course, being the little shit that I am, mocking ensued. Disbelief. My humorous outlook multiplied tenfold when the haunting entities included a goat. Yes, a goat haunting.

Someone heard a goat.

Now, I don’t know about you but it seems rather difficult, for the layman, to differentiate between a goat and say … a sheep. Both bleat rather convincingly and even a google search of representational sounds of said animals rendered me mute with confusion. I shall learn the ways of the goat, this haunting makes me more fond of the creatures. The house is in the woods, a scant dozen feet from a swamp. Also, a hundred feet from the backdoor are horses. Apparently these horses are known for their ability to murder dogs. Four dogs to be precise. Kicked to death. One can’t help but wonder if the goat fell victim to such killers and now haunts the swamp at night, bleating its terror as murder … yes … mur – dehr … as the TV would announce.

The Goat Murder would also create panic in the minds of the current owners/occupants of the house.

So, here we are, just scant 244 words into the story and we have a haunted house with objects moved and changed, followed by a murdered goat who roams the countryside, bleating its terror as it is ruthlessly stomped to death by rogue horses.

The next chapter in this sordid tale?

Ghost Hunters. Real ones. From UNC-Wilmington. Spent a night in the house. Recorded residual hauntings … but that’s the not real story, oh no not yet.

Enter the Priest who will exorcise the house. His quest to cleanse the area is hindered though. How so, you ask? I mean, they already know of the residual haunt. Well, truth be told, the Priest is cobbled by language. Does the ghost OR THE GOAT speak English? If the haunting is done by native Americans, then English will not exorcise them. The Priest must communicate with the spirits — thus the language barrier could prove onerous.

I pray the goat speaks English. What more can I hope for besides the goat being granted eternal rest once it communicates with the Priest?

This is a true story. Swear on my mother’s ghost.

Thanks for not reading. See you in the funny papers.


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About Me

An English diarist and naval administrator. I served as administrator of the Royal Navy and Member of Parliament. I had no maritime experience, but I rose to be the Chief Secretary to the Admiralty under both King Charles II and King James II through patronage, diligence, and my talent for administration. Also archivist and avid fan of The Dead Mule School of Southern Literature.


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